Bipolar living in a changing state
I could drive my car till I ran out of gas, hide in the most secretive hideaway or, I could spend days by myself in the Swiss alps yodeling. But no matter where I was, there are always three things following me like the deep dark shadow of death, me, myself, and I as cliche as that is. Unable to get away from myself no matter where I went. Before I took medication or even knew I had Bipolar Disorder I felt like Pinnochio with one string attached and as it was cut it felt as tho I was falling from the top of a cliff knowing I should look down but not wanting to see.
How did I stay together like Pinocchio with no strings? By closing my eyes and seeing myself from a distance as if watching a movie in the final minutes. We go on and for whatever reason, some go back and constantly rehearse the old adage God never gives you more than you can handle. I think that’s a way to keep themselves together . They are told by pages in a book, friends, community leaders of the churches or whomever they go to. But the next day when they awake are their problems gone?
Like so many others with Bipolar disorder, I was smart, creative and brave. These should be positive qualities, but in many bipolar people use their talents. I used the brains, creativity, and braveness to become street smart and well that led to alcohol. Not a social drink, in fact not even at the legal age of drinking but my smarts got me alcohol and my creativity gave me ways to drink it so no one knew and the braveness well my imagination just came to life nothing was off the table then!
Mania is a huge part of this disease it can be good mania or bad. No one who is bipolar wants to give that up it’s like a trip to the moon and back. Once you hit earth you crash the depression follows and the only word I can think of is, life smashes you and leaves you laying there wanting to die. And some of us try to do just that.
Some of the famous people who had this disease would surprise you, Einstein, Picasso, Lincoln, Vivien leigh, Carrie Fisher, Beethoven, Sir Issac Newton and the list goes on.
One of the biggest questions that is asked by the medical community is “Why won’t you take your medicine?” That question can’t even be answered by some of the patients taking medicine. Stigma, maybe embarrassment or loss of that box wrapped in a bow mania. I got used to the ups and downs. But there came a day in a rehab center when I was diagnosed twenty-four years ago and it was like seeing through a newly washed window. And today I would be afraid to get off the medicine. Literally terrified, I have no idea what would happen.
The purpose of this piece wasn’t to say yay go out and drink and drug until your liver falls out, no, it is a much deeper lesson. For more than 30 years of my life, I never felt normal. Well, the surprise was I wasn’t. I was lucky, eventually, I was diagnosed and getting help from someone who could take the mess of my life and help me figure out how to deal with it.
I did find that, I tripped and fell so many times, I don’t have room here to give a list of them, but once I got on medication I started looking at me. Then began to fix my broken soul.
Diseases don’t always present in the way you think it will, some are tricky, intertwined with others. Mental Issues can be that way. I am so grateful that I got help and medication and now have lived for 20 more years and got to the point where I feel I deserve to love myself and my life is different now.
We are more resilient and strong than we think. We can go from a bad life to a good one. Bipolar Disorder isn’t picky.
If you feel you may be someone like me, hang on and do what you can to live. Believe me its worth every minute of it.